Work In Progress

By popular demand the blog is back in action. This post is titled a work in progress because of where I am and who I am right now is just that. This blog will be shifting focus for a few months because I have ONE IUI left, and well I am saving that. I have been praying about it, and I believe god will let me know the perfect time to go for my last one.....last infertility treatment of any kind for a while.

During my hiatus from the blog Aeron and I have found a church to call home THE LIFE CHURCH. We love the building, music, word, and the people. I shifted focus from what I don't have, to what I do have. On this infertility journey so many times I have found myself jealous, angry, and unsure about god's plan for me. Recently, God has put a message on my heart to not be worried, because I will be someone's mother. The other part as to how and when is part of my story that hasn't been told yet. Also during this 6 months of change, not only have we gotten deeper in our faith, but made new rewarding friendships, strengthened some old ones, and Aeron even got a new job. It's really amazing where Jesus leads you, when you are faithful. One of my favorite songs right now is by Hillsong United; called Oceans (where my feet may fail) and it says something I truly believe and it describes how the last 6 months have been for me.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

What you can expect to be additional content discussed on this blog going forward (aside from my pointless ramblings) will be my weight loss journey. I have finally gotten serious! I guess this sort of ties into my infertility and PCOS journey. I am determined to loose weight this time. My goal amount of weight to loose is 140lbs. I have cut out all soda! That's right, no Sprite (I cut out caffeine 4 years ago). I am also working out almost daily. I am apart of a great facebook group of women who are very encouraging, and we are doing this together! I also try to clean eat, as much as possible. I will be posting my first before and after picture when I hit my first goal, so if your new here, and fat people scare you this isn't the blog for you.

Still Waiting for my AF

I am still waiting to get my period. I am on my last day of Provera (Thankfully). So now within about 10 days my period should be here. In the meantime I found this really awesome post from another blogger http://lovelylittlelife-hannah.blogspot.com/2013/07/9-things-infertile-women-want-women.html?m=1 and I couldn't agree more, she hit it out of the park with her blog.

9 Things Infertile Women Want Women with Children To Know

1.) I'll just come out and say it... we are jealous of you.

Please know that we in no way hate you for being able to bear children and would never wish this hurt we feel on our worst enemy. But there's no use in denying it... infertile women are jealous of women with children. We see the connection, the love, and the amazing bond that you have with them. We see the joy they bring to your life every day and we want that for ourselves more than anything. We would give up everything for it, spend our last dime to get it, and die to know what it's like. We aren't mad that you're happy... we just want some of that happiness too. So there... now you know. Ok, let's not kid ourselves - you already knew, but now it's out in the open so we call all stop pretending we can't see the green monsters sitting on the shoulders of all the infertiles. LOL!  :)

2.) Cards, emails, words of kindness, and caring acts are appreciated more than you know.

Infertility breeds tons of self-esteem issues, insecurity, and feelings of being on "the outside". One little handwritten note, text, or thoughtful action could make our entire week. Mother's Day is an especially hard time for women who want to, but are physically unable to become a mother. I will NEVER forget the handful of friends that sent me a message this year on that day. I went from feeling extremely depressed to feeling overwhelmingly encouraged and touched that someone was actually thinking about me and took the time to let me know. Though Mother's Day is one of the more difficult days for childless women, infertility is always looming no matter what day it is. One simple thought could brighten one of those days.

3.) Don't take it personally if we decline a baby shower invitation.

Honestly, our not being in attendance is doing everyone a favor! Seriously... do you really want us to look sad the entire time and risk a sudden outburst of tears? Nah... I think not. You're safer to accept the fact that we are truly happy for the lucky lady, but don't want to ruin her special day by being a gloomy guest.

*NOTE: Personally, I do ok at showers. However, I have talked to many ladies that don't handle these types of events as well. This point is for them.

4.) We are constantly hurting.

I'm sure that sounds like an overstatement to someone who hasn't been in our shoes. For those that have, you know EXACTLY what I mean and can probably still feel that bitter pain every time you think about that time in your life. Things the average person would never think about add to our hurt every day. Something as simple as a commercial about diapers with a baby crawling across the floor or seeing a mama out with her little ones or even just walking by the baby clothes in Target are all daily reminders of what we are missing. It feels like a huge knife is stuck in your chest and every time you are reminded of your emptiness that knife gets pushed deeper and deeper. The pain, though less intense at times, never goes away.

5.) Telling us to "just adopt" doesn't help.

Adoption will never erase the pain of infertility. It is definitely something that most infertile couples consider, but the desire to bear your own children won't just disappear by adopting. Then there's the money aspect. Here is my response to that... "Sure! After we have spent thousands on infertility treatments let me just pull out that extra $25k that I have stashed under my mattress and 'just' go adopt!" NOT. I won't go into greater detail about that, but financially, legally, and emotionally it's really not an easy fix as some might have been led to believe.

6.) We still want to be friends with you even though you have kids. 

I understand it can be awkward at times. You might feel bad about inviting a couple dealing with infertility to an event involving your kids or a birthday party for a child. Yes, There are times where we will decline the invitation when we may feel emotionally unable to be in that environment, but please don't assume that we never want to attend if your kids are present. We already feel isolated because of our circumstances... please don't add to that by excluding us from your lives because you're worried about us feeling uncomfortable.

7.) Please don't give us advice on how to get pregnant. Believe me, we've already read, heard, and tried it all!

We do understand that you are sincerely trying to help, but more than likely everything you say to us we have already tried (and more!). We have heard every story, researched every option, and we really don't want to hear about how your cousin's best friend's sister-in-law knew a girl that tried such and such and magically conceived. That's great for them, but we aren't that girl and you probably don't know the details of her situation or ours. I'm sure that sounds hateful... you might be able to tell that I've heard one too many words of advice from people who have no idea what is medically wrong with me.

8.) Understand that we can't empathize with you when you complain about pregnancy or your children.

I think part of the "infertility rite of passage" is making a promise to God and/or yourself that you will try as hard as you can to NEVER complain about pregnancy or your children if that day ever comes. In fact, I would wager that 99% of the women affected by infertility will know exactly what I mean when I say that hearing someone complain about morning sickness, lost sleep, or whiney kids can literally make you cringe inside. When you wait, hope, pray, and shed countless tears as we have you simply can't relate to women that take the miracles they have for granted. We would gladly trade your worst day with children for our best day without them. 

9.) We covet your prayers. 

I personally feel this is the most important thing that you can do to help and encourage us. There can never be enough prayers going up for women and couples dealing with infertility. Not sure how to pray? Pray for our emotional and physical state and for our faith in God to stay strong. We are dealing with the reality of possibly never being able to have a family, with the physical problems associated with the cause of our infertility, and are on a constant emotional roller coaster month after month as we continue to try to conceive. In addition to all of that, most infertile couples are dealing with extreme financial stress since insurance does not pay for ANYTHING related to infertility. All of those things can be taxing on our relationship with God so prayers for our spiritual well being are welcomed as well. I came across Galations 6:2 while writing this post this week. Don't you love it when God says things so simply, but perfectly?!

IUI #3 Getting Started

So yes I have been MIA again. But this time it was for a good reason. Vacation and rebounding from vacation.

Me and my lova (aka hubby)

 Southern Most Point in Key West

 Flying

 Our Resort

 Southern most point in Key West

 Angela and I at the Dolphin show.

 Glass bottom boat ride. Made me really sick but it was very cool. Molasses Reef.

 Wilbur the seal, he was awesome!

 My friend Angela and I (the boys on the back). Late night drunken golf carting.

Now that I am back, we are getting started again on IUI#3. I am started my Provera and once cycle day 1 starts, we are going for it!! I will update you all very soon. Praying this is lucky #3. 

Time Out

I know some people are following our journey. Especially our close family and friends, who at times feel like it's happening to them. : ) We are officially taking a break this cycle (from IUI). Last blog I was really fighting with myself to make a decision. I am happy with my decision, but this won't stop us from "trying" : ) have no worries. I am actually kind of curious if I will ovulate on my own. My nurse assured me that this break will not cause any damage to our flow of cycles.

Once we get back from vacation in Key Largo and I get my cycle, we will be right back on the trail to IUI#3, and if you haven't noticed it goes quick. Here we are already number 3. Only 3 more covered on my insurance after this one.

I think this will give me some much needed relaxation without having to worry and hold myself back from doing some awesome things on vacation, because of course if I know there is a chance I could be pregnant I treat myself differently.

So I will be sure to update everyone about our vacation when we get back!


Below is a picture of us from the 4th of July (kinda blurry) but cute

Try Again

Ok so this time was another bust. It's not been confirmed by AF yet, but by two tests. So anyways I am just waiting for it to come so I can call my doc, and get the info. This time I feel kinda numb. It just didn't happen this time. I even considered taking a month off. Then I thought about it, that another month away from possibly meeting my baby.

I called my nurse to tell her that I was pretty sure that my AF was it's way. I asked her a million questions as to why this hasn't worked the past two times. She is THE BEST NURSE EVER. The way she explained it was great. Every month a normal healthy couple only have a 10%-20% chance of getting pregnant. With the treatment it put us into those statistics because we know there are eggs, my hormones are right, I am ovulating, and Aeron's numbers are great. She said I need to think about it as we have only tried for 2 months. So now after her pep talk, I am anxious to get started again. No feeling sorry for myself, just ready to move on and hopefully I can get my IUI done before vacation!

Just a plain old update

Well hello everyone. I hope everyone had a nice holiday! The few days off really helped for the first week of the 2ww to fly by. I have done way better this time, I have been just living my life normally. Last time I acted as if I was 7 months pregnant, and that got me no where so we will try this approach.

My gut feeling is this didn't work this time. I have had not even one symptom, nothing from the trigger shot, no cramping, nada. But also like I said I have barely paid any attention this time. We will see this weekend if my AF doesn't come before then.

In other great news we are going to Key Largo Fl with our friends on Aug 2nd-Aug 10th. Aeron my dh has never flown so we will see how he does. I am used to him being the strong one so I am really hoping he can hold it together for both of us lol. We are so very appreciative to our friends for inviting us on this vacation. Also our other friends Christy and Donald invited us on their vacation too. Unfortunately the vacation dates lap each other slightly so there has been issues with that, however we are so very appreciative for the generosity of our friends who know and see we need some relaxation!

I will update the blog when we know this weekend if we got a BFP or if we are moving onto IUI#3!

IUI #2 OUCH!

So on Sat I had IUI #2. The nurse for some reason couldn't get the speculum in the right spot to work with my cervix. She tried like 4 times. OUCH. So then they had another nurse come in and see if maybe my bladder was too full. Which it was full, but not too full. So then they called the doctor in to take over the IUI. Well the cool thing was this time they kept the sonogram going so we could actually see the catheter go in, and release the sperm. Pretty cool to see despite the issues. Lots of cramping the rest of the day from the side of my large follie so I am hoping that meant something good was going on. One of my best friends Christy got to come with us and that too was awesome. Hopefully she witnessed either her little niece or nephew being created. Aeron was in rare form, and was being silly. I am trying to stay uber calm this time, and just go about my life. Let's see if this approach works. Really excited for the 4th, gonna have friends and family over. It will be an awesome time! Below is a pic of me showing off my hospital bracelet right before we got started.

Sunny

Today has been an AWESOME day, but also a heavy heart day. Today is the day my hero died 7 years ago, my grandpa. A lot of time I don't show sadness because he lives in my heart. I know he is here. Of course, I wish he was actually here on earth where I could hear his advice, hear him sing, or laugh. Those are selfish things. I now realize just how strong our bond was. I know my grandpa continues to be my biggest fan, even in heaven. Below is a song that will always remind me of him. Because I thought he walked on water.

Today I was GRACIOUSLY blessed with a raise, but instead of giving it to me throughout the year, my work gave it to me all at once. This is the biggest blessing, so now I can pay off some bills that have been hanging over our heads.

Also this morning was monitoring. My follie-which I will name Sunny (in tribute to my grandpa) had a huge jump in size to 19.5mm. I couldn't believe it!

Things are going pretty well this month. Below is the email from my nurse regarding my next steps.

Hi Sarah,

 

Happy Thursday, hope you are well.

 

Everything is looking great today and we are ready for your IUI!

 

You have one dominant follicle (19.5mm) on your left ovary. The other remaining follicles on both sides are very small. Your estrogen level is up to 321, which is appropriate for your follicle count.

 

Here are your instructions:

-          Inject your ovidrel tonight 6/27 at 10:45pm

-          Your husband should ejaculate today and abstain tomorrow

-          Your husband’s appointment is on Saturday 6/29 at 9:15am, he should arrive with a photo-ID

-          Your appointment is on Saturday 6/29 at 10:45am, you should arrive with a  photo-ID and a full bladder

 

Good luck!! Let me know if you have any further questions, I will be here until 5pm today.

 

Take care,

Michal

IUI #2 Monitoring 1

Hello All,

This time I feel a lot more relaxed about this whole thing. I guess because I know what to expect. Yesterday was my first monitoring appointment. Below are the results. I am pretty excited that the follies are bigger than last time on cd12 and I have more....ummm a lot more. My next monitoring day is tomorrow 6/27/13. I am hoping to have my IUI during the weekend, and that will make it much more relaxing.

Here are your results from today:

- Your estrogen level is at 152

- You have a 13.5mm follicle on your left with 9 smaller ones

- You have 6 small follciles on your right

Last Call

So today 7 years ago was the time I ever spoke to my grandpa, the day after Father's Day. I guess it was around 4:30pm, it was raining I was driving. I wish I would've known when I hung up that phone that it was going to be the last time I heard his words. I would have listened forever. I am blessed because I knew him, I was blessed because I got so much time with him. During my drive home that afternoon from the time I hung up till I pulled into my neighborhood it was approximately 35 mins. My life was forever changed. My grandpa suffered a stroke and was taken via helicopter to the hospital. He hung on for a while, but unfortunately he never woke up. My grandpa was the most gentle, understanding, funny, goofy, handsome, and warm hearted individual. I am who I am because of him. I get my humor from him. I wish he was here because in times when I felt defeated, he always had a way of making sense of it. I know he is looking down, and he still comforts my soul. I will never forget that last call.

I had a really nice weekend. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends that we were willing to spend time with us. They took the time to make me laugh and smile. By Sunday I was for sure ready to just move forward in cycle #2.

I plan on having a great week because my brother comes home Weds! Which is such a blessing. I hope he is healed and strong enough to deal with life's temptations. Then we are going out of town Friday. Not sure where yet.

This week I want to focus on getting the house organized in tip top shape. We are moving on Sept 1st so I was things in order so it's easier to pack! I also want to become more active, taking nightly walks, going to the gym, because I want to be able to stay active if/when I become pregnant.

When I emailed my RE Friday to tell them that I got my BFN, my main favorite nurse was out of the office. That was a real bummer. Well this morning I got this encouraging email from her.

Hi Sarah,

 

I just wanted to touch base with you to let you know that I am all up to date with the plan for your next cycle.

 

I’m so sorry to hear your test was negative, but do not get discouraged! I know this can be very emotionally taxing, but it does often take more than one try. So, on we go!

 

Please let me know if you have any further questions. I will be here all week from 9-5.

 

GOOD LUCK! Talk to you soon,

Michal

IuI #2 already planned!

Well I just got an email from my doctor. Today is already a new day, and we are moving forward.

Here is the run down for IUI cycle #2
-Refill both the Clomid and Ovidrel
-Clomid 100mg days 5-9 (6/18-6/22)
-Monitoring will start 6/25 @ 8:30am

NEGATIVE

After so many positive feelings and prayers, it's a NEGATIVE for sure. I feel silly to think after all of this I actually thought it would be this easy. It went perfect, as perfect as it could, and still nothing. This blog post is going to be roller coaster of emotions so hang on tight. I will try to put my thoughts in order the best way I know how.

This morning after Aeron left to go to work, I had my moment, I sobbed. I even had somewhat of a temper tantrum where I kicked my mattress a few times. I sat there and thought why in the hell did I tell everyone about this situation, and I thought long and hard about it. My reason: Because this nothing to be ashamed of. I would rather be a voice for women who go thru this everyday. I have realized I have TONS of support, and that Aeron and I are loved by so many. With all of the prayers that come in, I know that can only help us. So I want to thank every person who has reached out with a story, encouragement, and comfort. After all of that thinking and analyzing I fell asleep finally. Only to wake up from a call from Christy-Thank god because I had over slept.

So the current update is: I wrote my Dr. she said Clomid can extend your cycle up to a week-so that's why I was late, another awesome side effect to this drug. Also I just literally just got my period. So today is now officially Day1 of cycle#2. I am angry, annoyed, let down, defeated, and I really want to dye my hair and drink a margarita-two things I have held off doing pending if I was pregnant or not for obvious reasons! Today, I feel bad for myself. I feel bad for Aeron, who I thought would end up having an awesome Father's Day who will now just have another regular Sunday. I have been saving my birthday Old Navy gift cards in hopes of buying maternity clothes, now I will be going on a shopping spree for sure. I am gonna treat myself nicely today, and gear up for more meds, shots, and sonograms. I am still forever Thankful I have come this far, that I have a supportive husband, and I have fertility coverage.

So going forward this next round:
I am going to take my metformin regularly
Looking into acupuncture
I am also going to start working out to remove stress from my life  

Onward and upward for cycle #2.

Counting Down

So I haven't been posting lately, because really there's nothing to talk about really. Yesterday I had really light brown spotting, I was sure the AF was coming. However, it went away. It's happened a few more times, but for the most part has stopped. I am praying it's a good sign.

So I am pretty much doing what everyone else is...WAITING....it's annoying though because it's my body and I don't even know what's going on in there. Two more days!

June 14th is a big for other reasons too!
-Aeron's last day at his job, before he starts his new career at Appraisal Services.
-It's Father's Day weekend
-It's one of my best friends son's birthdays. My little guy Caiden. On June 14th, 2005 I watched him come into this world. I have loved every minute seeing him grow.
-If Aeron's parents were still married it would've been their 33rd wedding anniversary.

So we shall see..........................

My Rock

For some brief history to this blog. My husband and I started dating September of 2002. We were inseparable. We got engaged in September 2004, and Married February 5th, 2005. When we got married I instantly wanted to get pregnant. Aeron on the other hand, wanted to wait. I had baby fever like no ones business. That was tough not being on the same page. Aeron was the only child (until his mom remarried and he gaines 2 step siblings) he just wasn't ready to be a dad.

Fast forward to when Aeron turned 30. He started getting a itch to have a baby. At that time we hadn't started any testing but since we were without birth control all that time, I had a gut feeling something wasn't right.

Since we have really gotten started with testing and actual treatment, Aeron has always been positive. He has always said we will do whatever we have to do to have a family. I am very blessed with that because men often feel many emotions either against treatment, or against adoption. Aeron's outlook has always been that he was will to do whatever.

At this point we both have baby fever, mine of course is a little bit more predominant.We talk about names, walk thru the baby gear at Target, and dream about this little baby together. He comes to almost every doctor appointment. He held my hand and let me squeeze during the IUI, and he even filmed it (not from the dirty angle, but just the experience).

 He is gonna make an awesome dad for sure!!

Yesterday I had a little breakdown, because this 2WW has already got me going crazy. Aeron is convinced that this worked and I am pregnant. It makes me feel good that he has so much hope. I am trying not to get to excited but I just have this feeling. A good one. We still have 14 days to go before we can know.

 I know I have said it before, but I couldn't imagine being on this journey with anyone else. Aeron is really my rock in every aspect of my life, and I am beyond blessed to have him.

Prayers, Faith, and Miracles

I knew this 2 WW would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I like to be in control of everything, I am a planner. For sure this whole experience for the past 7 years has made me realize I'm not always in control. Now it's truly a time I can reflect. I believe god put me in this position for a reason. God brought me to a new job with infertility coverage, brought me to job where it was the same parking lot as Genetics and IVF Institute so it would be convenient, God prepared my body by allowing the follicles to grow, and for me to respond to the clomid, and even to begin to ovulate on my own. Then finally, God made sure Aeron's sample was awesome. Now there is only my faith to get me through the next 2 weeks, no more meds I can take, no more monitoring, no more procedures. God has to work the final magic, and I must have faith.

It's hard though not to get too excited, not to vision that positive test for once. I have to prepare that it may take more than once. We had very good IUI, especially for our first one.

 I am not jealous of people who have children, because I know in my heart Aeron and I will become parents, but I am a little jealous that people.....just find out their pregnant. They don't need to worry about how big the follicles are or how much sperm their husband produces. I know for a fact this walk together has my husband and I stronger, and I also know this has made us realize what a miracle this whole process really is. Once we have a baby, these lessons will make us all the better parents.

Please keep praying that everything does what it's supposed to do, and it sticks!

2ww Starts now

IUI#1 was today. The nurse said things couldn't have been more perfect. We will see. I am really trying not to get my hopes up to high. I know it may take a few. I get to test on 6/14/13. Please keep praying! For some reason, I have the best feeling.

The IUI, not gonna lie. HURT. Not like I couldn't handle it, kinda like I just wanted to kick my nurse in the face. I could do it 100000 times if it meant me having a baby. The procedure only took about 10mins. We confirmed my hosp bracelet I was who I said I was, and that I get the correct sperm. Aeron recorded it, and held my hand the whole time. After it was over I laid there for about 20mins. One of the best moments in our marriage by far. We held both hands, I bawled my eyes out because I just felt like such a relief. Such a surreal moment we actually made it this far!

So here's the numbers:
I had 3 follies ready.
I started ovulating on my own. The DR could confirm I was ovulating.
Aeron's postwash was: 65million (GREAT NUMBERS)

So now we wait and pray.

He shot me

Aeron just shot me up! Lots of fun. It actually wasn't bad at all. I think Aeron enjoyed his role. 

Change of Plans

One of many things I am learning is......my body is in control. I have no say so, and you know me....I am not ok with that. In this situation though I am excited.

Got a call from the doc.
I am already surging on my own (about to ovulate on my own), and they have bumped up the IUI to tomorrow at 11am. Aeron has to be there at 9:30am. This is extremely good news that my body was about to do it on it's own. I haven't ovulated on my own in years most likely. So tonight as soon as I get home I will trigger!!

Holy CRAP!

Below is a message from my eggs to Aeron's sperm..........

Pull the Trigger

Good News! We have 3 follicles ready to go (21mm, 20mm, 16mm)

My lining of my uterus is 12mm, which is perfecto to support a pregnancy because it's supposed to be anywhere from 7mm-20mm so woohoo go uterus! If I had to picture my uterus right now it would look like the picture below, it's got a big smile for doing such a good job lol.

That's crazy someone actually makes these, and sells them.

Today is CD 16.

I am still waiting on the official call from the Doc, but they already said I am to do my Trigger Shot TONIGHT. We are doing the IUI, Thursday. Holy Crap. 

I know there is no guarantee, but I have to have a little hope or there wouldn't be a point in me doing this. Plus we have so many people praying, I can feel all the positive energy!

I will definitely post the video of the trigger shot tonight. I have a feeling it's gonna be a real hoot!

Follie Update CD15

Today is cycle day 15. We have been to monitoring Friday, Sunday, and today.  Below are my follie sizes.

Friday cd12-12mm and 13mm
Sat cd13-No monitoring
Sunday cd14-16mm and 17mm
Monday cd15-20mm and a new 13mm, and the other one was hiding or something but they assume that one is also near 20mm as well.

On Saturday my friend Sharese came with Aeron and I. Today my mom came with Aeron and I. We are blessed to have everyone so interested in everything that is going on with us.

We went to a cookout on Sunday with some of my oldest friends. It was so nice to have them around during this time. Most of them are people I have known since I was in 4th grade. Those girls who know too much, so they have to stay friends. Just kidding...sorta. It was just comforting being with them and having lots of laughs. 

Tomorrow I will have one more monitoring session. Then most likely I will trigger tomorrow night. EEEKKKK. The IUI will most likely be on Thursday! Woohoo!

Thank you for all of your prayers, and support it is truly appreciated.

Below is a picture of us from this weekend at the lake.